She's a nut!

Do you ever have those moments where so many things are flying through your head you don't know where to start? Or how to say what needs to be said? Partly because there are so many thoughts and ideas and emotions....and partly because you aren't really sure YOU even understand them yet? 

That's exactly where I am.  It's almost midnight (way past my bedtime) and instead of being snuggled up in my bed, I am sitting on the couch in the dimly lit living room of my home, basking in the glow of the computer screen as I make a feeble attempt to type at the speed of my thoughts.  It's  impossible, I tell you. 

So many things are going through my head right now, but I will have to delve into the mysterious of my craziness later. Right now, I have to start my purpose. I have to let you know why I've made this dive into the blogosphere...why I'm up at midnight with you instead of in my warm bed.  It's the orphans. 

 Photo courtesy of My Spiritual Journey blog by Richard Lawry

Orphans are keeping me up at night. Orphans are haunting my days.  It's like the scales have fallen from my eyes and suddenly, I can't make myself stop seeing them....can't stop thinking of their hearts breaking. I can't keep from asking myself, "What is happening to them tonight? Is there one crying herself to sleep right now? Is there a little boy, shaking in his bed as a storm passes through and there is no one there to comfort him? Is there a little baby sitting in a dirty diaper, in a stinky room with 40 other dirty diapers, waiting for his five minutes of contact for the day? What about the brothers sliding down into their ditch for the night, pulling a piece of cardboard over the hole, hoping it will protect them...protect them from the elements, from animals..or worse. What about those kids? Who will comfort that little boy tonight when he wakes up from a bad dream? Who is loving on them...caring for them...holding them...Who?"

I have always thought of myself as a decent, kind, and loving person.  My friends would describe me as very loving, very compassionate.  Yet, I feel like I have only been so to a slight degree.  Something has shifted in me; something has changed. It all started a few months ago. I prayed a new prayer. I prayed for  God to break my heart for something that broke His.  The next day, some one's offhanded comment about the dire circumstances of a Ukrainian orphanage brought me to tears.  I didn't know this person. I didn't know the orphanage.  I have never been to an orphanage.  I don't even know anyone from the Ukraine. But that day, it felt like I did. It felt like that man was talking about my children.  It felt like he was telling me that it was my own son that was lying in a dark corner somewhere, with people afraid to touch him because his culture marked him as "cursed by God."  He was talking about my son crying himself to sleep at night as he tried to figure out why no one....NO ONE...loved him.  I couldn't handle it. 

That feeling led me on a mission. I began to study, in earnest, what the Bible had to say on orphans and how we are to take care of them. The more I studied, the more the burdens of their life weighed on my heart.  The more I read up, the more I felt love for these children I had never even met. Each day, I found myself loving people and children I had never even given a second thought. Suddenly, I realized, I am surrounded by orphans.  Literally. 

So, I took the next step. I prayed and asked for guidance; for direction on what God would have me do.  Am I suppose to adopt? Am I suppose to help my local foster kids? I prayed and prayed.  A couple of days into it, I got an answer: Ethiopia.  

I was literally sitting at the table, head bowed in my prayer, and when the word came to me, my head shot up and I said out loud..."Whoa whoa whoa....what?!" 

Again, I heard "Ethiopia." 

My mind started racing. What would I do in Ethiopia? I am not a medical person. I have never been on a single mission trip. Not ONE! Not even a local thing. Oh sure, I've volunteered at my share of bake sales, but never have I entertained the thought of skipping across the globe to a third-world country.  

"Go and see." 

I stared straight ahead and tried to let my mind wrap around what I had just heard.  "Go and see" seemed pretty straight-forward.  Go to Ethiopia and see His children.  Go meet these orphans IN their distress. Don't just write a check; don't just think about it. GO AND SEE. 

To say that this is out of my comfort zone would be an understatement. To say that my husband is super-excited would be an extreme overstatement (but wait until you hear how God worked on him...it is SUCH A GOOD STORY!).  To say I have any idea how I am going to afford this trip, considering our son just got done with a major surgery would be a blatant lie. I have no idea how this is going to work. No idea how we will pay for this.  No idea if I can handle a trip like this...emotionally, physically, or spiritually.  For the last two months, I have been doing a lot of talking to myself.  Essentially, I have been talking myself out of the trip.  I have been reminding myself of all the reasons I can't do this (hello, there are so many!). 

Then, tonight, I decided something really, really important. I decided that if God wants me to do this, then He will work it all out. I need to stop trying to plan this out. This is NOT my plan, after all. This is His plan. I need to walk in faith. If He told me to go, then go I shall. And if He is sending me, then surely He has a plan for everything from the cost of my plane ticket to shielding me from malaria.  God is great and I know He is all over this! 

And you know what? I'm a peace tonight.  I'm gonna just go along with this and see where it takes me.  In a few months, I might be trying to figure out what this was all about. Or, I may be writing to you from Ethiopia.  Who knows? Right now, though, I am going to simply rest in His will.  

I know it doesn't make any sense, but for some reason, just writing this all down has made me feel so much better.  It is seriously cathartic to just see the words on paper.  I know that this adventure isn't just about a literal trip to the other side of the world; I know that God is working on me in crazy ways, even right now. This new journey into the love of my Lord is just incredible.  I figure that if nothing else, I will share with you how He is working on me.  Maybe it will help you.  Maybe it will help me.  Maybe we can help each other.  After all, God gave us each other so we can encourage and shelter one another.  

I warn you now: my path is lined with dirty dishes, piles of laundry, match box cars, dust bunnies, chewed on remotes, and the occasional puddle.  I'm a regular, stay-at-home mom who has just heard the voice of her Lord.  I sleep late more than I should.  I hate changing the litter box. I can't figure out why my son thinks that throwing toys (or anything for that matter) is so hilarious.  I adore my husband and best-friend, and still think he looks pretty darn good in a pair of jeans. No matter how far I get into my life, I always feel like I'm a newbie.  I always feel like I need to read more, meet more people, and see more things.  My train of thought is about as straight as a slinky.  Multitasking is one of my favorite hobbies, and also one of my biggest curses. In other words, I'm a glorious mess. 

So, what I'm trying to say is that this blog may be a little crazy.  I will probably be sporadic in my posts.  Some may be deep and thought-provoking and others may be pure folly.  I promise, though, that I will be real, transparent, and genuine.  





And finally, I can sleep. 



Goodnight ya'll. 
Erica